Blog: "Reshaping Sass, Attitude & the Child's Disrespect" via Miss Megan’s method!
A lot of times I find that the transitions between 2 to 3, 3-4, 4 going on 15, etc, any age really, are times that the child's consciousness and awareness are continue to develop and expand. Also there is the duality of the child's developing ego that is also making a statement (one of asserting control… not to push our buttons but in the discovery of self)--and this is the important thing to note. Through each interaction the child's belief system on life is being more formed and their filter for viewing and experiencing the world is being shaped.
Reactive parenting focuses mostly on the child's reactions (or negative/resistant moments) and thus results in interacting with and strengthening the child's 'ego', with only secondary room, if any, for connecting with the child's spirit. Since you'll be so busy reacting to whatever your child is reacting too...it can become a vicious cycle at times, leaving you unsure of what to do, while both of you feel drained and disconnected.
Conscious Proactive Parenting™ via Miss Megan’s Method™ (My design) + 1/2/3 Magic, however, focuses on connecting proactively with the child's 'love & light' (or spirit & authentic self--whatever you want to call it) and leaning your focus on building up that part of the child first and foremost, and 'then' addressing the child's ego--but not in a reactive way...instead by using the interaction as a teachable moment to observe silently without reacting and then to strategically respond to the child's inner need. The response could be prompting the child to rephrase what they said, or counting them to allow them time to shift their own behavior before you either help them or grant them a natural consequence.
Usually, the child's reaction is just an ineffective expression of a deeper inner need anyhow. One that may include: needing connection (ego shows up as attention seeking), needing to feel safe and be trusting (shows up as reactive and defensive), etc.
Now I do agree in some situations that a reward chart or incentive can be a supportive tool--and over all I'm a firm believer in doing whatever works for each unique child and personality--I find that it also mainly 'entertains' the ego so to speak...and it's important to note that an external reward system is ultimately not reinforcing an internal/intrinsic sense of discipline--usually just the child's desire to please the parent or get a bribe like a toy--which again...I think is super supportive in some situations if used in moderation and only as a catalyst to build a good habit but secondary to/or in addition to the following:
I would encourage you all proactively to:
First, do your best to notice what triggers your child to get snappy, reactive, demanding, etc? Is he/she seeking attention, trying on a new "way to be"/testing boundaries, thinking it's going to be effective or get them what they want? From a proactive place, you can often avoid these triggers by noticing the patterns and creating strategies around them. The kids can even get involved in these solutions by saying, I notice when this happens or I say this, it triggers your ego in this way...what do you think would support you around this so it doesn't keep happening?
But...if you find yourself in the situation, Observe silently at first. Then count 1/2/3 to interrupt the behavior by bringing your child present (and follow through if necessary), or you could also first try to prompt for a rephrasing. To do so, go to your child, get down at their level and make eye contact...then I usually try to make it fun and funny at this part (being dramatically silly is another way to entertain the ego while leaving lots of room to connect with the child's spirit. It gets the ego out of the way, so to speak, so you can utilize the teachable moment in an engaging way)...I'd mirror what they just said using the snappy words or phrase, but with a super silly energy (Which already brings the child present enough to shift their energy)...then it's just a matter of offering 2 effective verbal responses and letting the child pick. :) for example: "Do you think it's most effective to say __'this' (using dramatic yet silly tone but a demanding look on face and cross arms or similar body language that can demonstrate the reaction)__? Or __'this' (response #1: using also a silly energy but happy expression on face and gentle open body language) __...or would you prefer to say __'this' (re-phrasing option #2, ie. Response #2. So, same energy and expression and body language as the response option #1). Especially since _'this' (back to modeling the reaction)_ isn't the most effective or loving way to be and it's hard to understand what you want when wine or snap or (whatever they did)... But ...(response #1 & #2) ARE effective ways to interact that really show me you need support/help! Which would work best for you?" (Ie. help them shift and reframe reactions into responses)
It lets the child know and begin to learn, moment by moment, what you would 'prefer' they say, and how you'd 'prefer' them to be, in a way that empowers them--by giving them choices and through demonstrating in each situation things they could say/do next time--all in a way that is fun, silly, and connective. If they aren't interested in picking a re-phrasing option you offered then great, no worries...it becomes an extension of the moment where the child then gets to come up with "their own solution" or response to say. So now you are teaching critical thinking.
So ultimately, through my Conscious Proactive Parenting™ approach & Miss Megan’s Method™, you are being 100% present, connecting with the child at his/her level, and giving them the attention they were seeking (but in an empowering and constructive way), focusing on the positives, and responding NOT reacting to the child's negative moments, teaching your child; through modeling, how to respond not react, and also teaching them through modeling how to shift from ineffective reactions (from the ego) to effective interactions (from the child's love & light)! And to stop thinking in problems and start creating solutions!
More over, you are teaching them to TRUST! Since when a child is trusting you or being trusting in general...they know deeply that you are there to help them and thus are less likely to react out of fear of not getting what they want or of a situation not being resolved in a way they want or not feeling heard. When you teach your children to respond to each other VS react, you are teaching them to trust each other! That their interactions and tricky moments CAN get worked out where everyone is understood and supported and has fun in the process!
Now if only some adults knew the secret to shifting and responding VS reacting at each other while being trusting...hmm ;-) :-P
~~Miss Megan~~
Ps. Let me know if this isn't clear or if you'd like more insight or examples :)
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